Dear New Parents,
Yes, we’re all happy that you were able to procreate. Very happy. Extremely happy. We love the idea that there is a smaller version of both of you now walking around the globe, bumping into things and cutting across our path suddenly while we’re carrying a cup of hot coffee. Whoops, watch it there, little guy. Almost dumped scalding hot coffee right on your tiny little head that smells so wonderful and new. What’s that?…a girl?…Oh, no matter. Still cute as heck.
We love your entire world has changed and love hearing every detail of the months preceding the birth of this most special of children. Wait, what are we saying? Changed YOUR world? We mean changed OUR world. Sure, we had a vague idea of the whole process of childbirth but the rich details you provide us, even without our asking, has added an entirely new prospective to the whole endeavor. All of those other births, you know, the ones that have been happening for centuries now? Fuck them. What did they know. Those births were just a practice run for humanity. The birth of YOUR child, THAT’S the one that shows us what it’s all about.
What’s this? Another picture of the little one? Sure, we’d love to see it. Aw, look at him…I mean, her. My, they grow so fast in three days, don’t they?
Yes, we agree she is a unique rare ray of sunshine whose smile lights up the world. And that funny thing she did the other day…what was it?.. oh, yes, caught the hiccups. Such a simple act and yet it puts life in perspective. For what is a hiccup but a confirmation of man’s existence, a verification of this thing we call life. A baby’s hiccup…the evolution of man. It’s all so clear now. We are all so thankful that your child was born to show us how really special life can be, at least as seen through your eyes.
Oh, look, another picture of your child shows up on my Facebook feed. And another. And another. Yeah, keep ‘em coming. Can’t get enough of seeing your bundle of joy with his (her?) eyes closed. What is she (he?) thinking? We bet she’s creating poetry that she’ll (he’ll?) put to paper once they learn how to writer. Or maybe she’s composing a sonata. Oh, we can’t wait. Please keep us updated daily, as we’re sure you will.
So, thank you, new parents for procreating and teaching us what life is all about through your constantly sleeping, gibberish speaking, physically uncoordinated baby boy.