It's Morning In China

Dear New Parents,

Yes, we’re all happy that you were able to procreate. Very happy. Extremely happy. We love the idea that there is a smaller version of both of you now walking around the globe, bumping into things and cutting across our path suddenly while we’re carrying a cup of hot coffee. Whoops, watch it there, little guy. Almost dumped scalding hot coffee right on your tiny little head that smells so wonderful and new. What’s that?…a girl?…Oh, no matter. Still cute as heck.

We love your entire world has changed and love hearing every detail of the months preceding the birth of this most special of children. Wait, what are we saying? Changed YOUR world? We mean changed OUR world. Sure, we had a vague idea of the whole process of childbirth but the rich details you provide us, even without our asking, has added an entirely new prospective to the whole endeavor. All of those other births, you know, the ones that have been happening for centuries now? Fuck them. What did they know. Those births were just a practice run for humanity. The birth of YOUR child, THAT’S the one that shows us what it’s all about.

What’s this? Another picture of the little one? Sure, we’d love to see it. Aw, look at him…I mean, her. My, they grow so fast in three days, don’t they?

Yes, we agree she is a unique rare ray of sunshine whose smile lights up the world. And that funny thing she did the other day…what was it?.. oh, yes, caught the hiccups. Such a simple act and yet it puts life in perspective. For what is a hiccup but a confirmation of man’s existence, a verification of this thing we call life. A baby’s hiccup…the evolution of man. It’s all so clear now. We are all so thankful that your child was born to show us how really special life can be, at least as seen through your eyes.

Oh, look, another picture of your child shows up on my Facebook feed. And another. And another. Yeah, keep ‘em coming. Can’t get enough of seeing your bundle of joy with his (her?) eyes closed. What is she (he?) thinking? We bet she’s creating poetry that she’ll (he’ll?) put to paper once they learn how to writer. Or maybe she’s composing a sonata. Oh, we can’t wait. Please keep us updated daily, as we’re sure you will.

So, thank you, new parents for procreating and teaching us what life is all about through your constantly sleeping, gibberish speaking, physically uncoordinated baby boy.

Wait, girl?

…that I’ve never read “Where the Wild Things Are?”

…that I think 90 percent of the men who wear their sunglasses on their heads are douchbags?

…that I’ve never seen “Dirty Dancing”?

…that I lump most people under the age of 36 as “hipsters”?

…that I only apply the term “hipsters” to white people?

…that I’ve been in Denver two years and still don’t get  the appeal?

…that I’m sick of “so-bad-it’s-good” ironic humor?

…that I don’t have the same reverence for nuns that I used to when I went to Catholic school?

…that I think most of the people in Denver can’t drive for shit?

…that, to me, all Coldplay songs sound the same?

…to hope some people get into a car wreck because they cut me off?

…that I think that, yeah, some black kids SHOULD pull their fucking pants up?

…that I think that most performance poets these days should just shut the fuck up and DO something about it rather than just ramble on?

There are very few things I would drive 900 miles to do. I moved to Denver a couple of years ago and the distance from Chicago to Denver is almost exactly 1,000 miles and even though it meant being with my SO, I would much rather have shipped all of my stuff there, put my car on a train and flew there in a few hours, rather than drive 1,000 miles. But I did it.

To demonstrate how strongly they loved a particular woman, The Proclaimers estimated they would only walk about 500 miles to be with her. The train they called The City of New Orleans will only have gone about 500 miles before the day is done. And back in the 1960s, hardcore smokers would only walk a mile for a Camel cigarette (of course their diminished lung capacity might have something to do with it).

But until recently, I would seriously have doubted very few people would drive 900 miles for a taco. Well, except for that one bizarre group of people in a recent Taco Bell commercial that boasted the group drove 900 miles – actually 965 miles as proudly announced in the commercial - for something from that fast food restaurant.

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